THE WEAPONIZATION OF SHAME

I can remember my sister having to get her first born child baptized after the morning worship service once all of the congregants were dismissed  because she conceived that child out of wedlock. Instead of it being a joyous event where the collective body of believers prayed for the child, vowing their love and support to uplift and guide him, it was a moment of intended shame of which my sister was the target.   I did not want to participate and was quite vocal about the fact that it was wrong.  But I stood there with my parents in support of my sister. Not only did they shame her and cause her to feel responsible for that shame, but in so doing, shamed her new born child.  I walked away from that experience thinking is this really he church?

Shame is fraught with pain and humiliation that is caused by the consciousness of what is considered to be wrong behavior.  We have all felt some level of shame in our lives.  The shame we feel can be personally leveraged to effect change in our behavior.  It is a recognition that our behavior is outside of the will of God and the acknowledgment of that fact is the first step to living in His will.      

It should not be our goal for people to feel ashamed of themselves.  Shame leads to self loathing, depression and a host of other conditions that keep us bound.  Jesus sets the captive free.  He breaks yokes. He breaks chains. Whom the son sets free is free indeed.  Jesus is the great liberator and preaches a liberating Gospel.   How do we look as witnesses for Him when we cause people to delve deeper into bondage because of the shame we lord over them as a result of their behavior and choices?  You cannot shame someone into changing their heart.  Their behavior may change as a result, however the desire is for the heart to be transformed.  It should be our goal to lead people to God and it is God who transforms the heart. 

Some believe that if they can make you feel bad enough about something you did, it will get you to do what they want you to do.  But the ultimate result is the destruction of that person’s self worth and self esteem.  When you shame a person you have no idea the potential damage you may cause or pain you may have inflicted.  When a bomb is dropped in a place, the level of devastation and death it caused is not revealed until after the smoke has cleared.  We have to be careful and thoughtful about how we engage with people.  We do not want people to be defeated or destroyed .  We want them to be encouraged and empowered to live the life God has created and purposed for them and for us.

When the woman at the well encountered Jesus she had an experience that would change her very nature.  She may have felt shame because of what was revealed to her and how she was living her life, but Jesus never used the language of shame.  He gently led her into understanding.  He did it within a framework of love so that she might know who He really was in relationship with her.  That woman. That witness then departed from Jesus and her testimony saved many.  I shudder to think what folk would run and tell others after being  in the presence of believers in a similar situation..  Would that person have a transformative experience after spending time with you or would they simply feel shame?  

“My friends, you are spiritual. So if someone is trapped in sin, you should gently lead that person back to the right path. But watch out, and don't be tempted yourself”.        -Galatians 6:1

Help don’t hinder. Encourage do not tear down. Let you speech be tempered with grace and love as we all endeavor to live the life God has designed.