THE PAINFUL YEARS

I took this picture of myself one day. Freckled and without make up. It inspired this blog post……
I am one who has always struggled with low self esteem. Esteem – respect, admire, value, regard, acclaim, appreciate, like, treasurer, favor, revere. My parents told me I was beautiful and intelligent but somehow, that did not translate. It mattered not, how many times they told me, I did not believe it. I may have fronted like I did, but internally, a constant struggle existed. The combination of struggles with my weight, attending a predominately white private school, and a face full of freckles was overwhelming. The covert and oftentimes, overt theme of “you don’t belong here” as it related to my Elementary and HighSchool education was a constant reminder of the social and racial divide that dare I say, still exists to some extent. In the midst of being reared by amazing parents, surrounded by a supportive and loving church family, and with all of the benefits and opportunity afforded to me – in my heart, for much of my childhood and adolescence, existed anger, hurt, and pain.
When sharing with my parents that I felt unattractive and awkward, they always replied with words of love and encouragement to the contrary; and at the risk of sounding ungrateful, I never shared my disdain for many of my white counterparts in private school and the fact that I was uncomfortable in that environment – so as a result, these issues persisted. My heart grew harder and my self esteem continued to plummet.

Suicide was an option that I seriously considered. I was feeling that low.

It was a difficult thing, at least for me, to grow up in such a duplicitous environment. On the one hand, my parents were Civil Right’s Activists and provided a strong foundation, teaching us about our history, struggle and progress made as a people in this country – while instilling pride and love of self. On the other hand I went to school everyday, and at that time, could not see the advancement. On the one hand, my father was a retired Major in the Army, yet when we would go to the Officer’s Club on Sunday’s for brunch some would ask what we were doing there (amazing what sticks in one’s memory). It was equally as difficult to deal with seemingly not being attractive to young men, as no one was really lined up, asking me to go out. It is troubling, upon retrospect, how when I was younger, I equated feeling beautiful with the response or lack there of, to my exterior from young men. The struggle continued.

While attending college my then boyfriend, now husband, invited me to come to church with him. I was 19 years old at the time. The pastor was preaching on the subject of knowing the Word of God for yourself and applying it to your life. The point that resonated most with me most was when he began to speak about those with strongholds and addictions and how folk were not seeing themselves as God sees them – and the fact that we will not really know how God feels about anything, lest we study His Word for ourselves and apply it to our lives. He went on to say that if we rely on others to tell us what the Word says as opposed to studying and then asking the Lord to reveal it to us what it means, then the stage is set for manipulation. It was a process, however, this church visit, this sermon changed the game for me because it began to change the way I saw and thought about myself. I began to see myself and God saw me – sees me. I began to receive the love He had for me, which is perfect love, and embrace it – live it. I began to truly love myself and my attitude about myself shifted forever. Once the thoughts of myself changed it also changed how I saw others. As I began to study the Word of God, it showed me my error, and I began to repent of the anger I was harboring in my heart for White folk, for those who ridiculed me because of my physical exterior, and also for those that dismissed me because they felt I didn’t belong. I forgave everyone and then asked for forgiveness for even having such feelings. I asked Him to remove the root of my anger and my low self esteem in its entirety and I thank God that He was faithful to do it.

I do not regret anything that has happened in my life. Nothing. I embrace every emotion, situation and issue, as God has used it to bring me to the current state of mind in which I now operate. He sustained me though all of that hurt and pain to the point where I am now ministering to others and young people in particular – a time in my life where I struggled the most. He traded the ashes of my hurt and pain for the beauty of the freedom in which I now live. Listen, if I’m honest, I still struggle from time to time with self esteem. The difference is that now, the negative thought enters my mind and I pray immediately for God to remove it – fully recognizing, because of my study of the Word, that the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds. I pray for Him to cast down even every thought that seeks to exalt itself above God.

Allow yourself to embrace the Word of God and truly get to know the person of Jesus Christ. It will change your life. I pray that if you are struggling with a lack of self esteem that you begin to see yourself as God sees you. You are made in the very image of God…..all you have to do is believe it.